Way back in childhood, if I went to a bakery, it was a practice that I would pay the entire bill. Sometimes, my friend would pay the entire bill. We would often fight as to who would pay the bill. This is often seen in old movies also. The person collecting the bill would be confused about whom to take the money from!
But as we grew up, I noticed a new trend that when we go together in a group, the bill would be shared equally among the members of the group. This is seen while paying the restaurant bill, expenses for the travel etc.
Some people feel that this method of sharing the expenses equally is narrow mindedness and not as per human values. Is it a good method or a bad method? Let us examine.
Not Sharing works when:
The practice of not distributing the bill equally would work in an ideal situation when all members of the group are generous and not calculative. Even if one member in the group is calculative or narrow minded, the old method of “not sharing” the bill equally would break down.
Not sharing breaks down when:
In my assessment, I can classify people into 3 groups from the point of how they spend. So we have these members in the group:
Generous ones – the ones who won’t calculate. They will spend more than their share. They won’t count every rupee. These are the ones who would suffer in the long run due to the calculative nature of others. This category people will be too generous in the beginning. After many years, they will be repenting that others didn’t pay their share, yet the generous ones will continue getting conned! 😄
Equal ones – these are the ones who do calculate the expenses. But they are balanced and fair. They will pay their proportional share. These are neutral people. Because they will neither cause loss for others in the group, nor they will cause loss for themselves. In the long run, they won’t feel sad that they got conned anywhere.
Calculative ones – these are the ones who would be ready to spend individually for their own expenses. But in the group, they are controlled and careful. This group will surely pay their equal share just like “equal ones” if all the members are “equal ones” or if all the members in the group are “calculative ones”.
But if the “calculative ones” find even one “generous one” in the group, they will try to evade their responsibility. I feel that, more than the calculative ones being careful, it is the mistake of the “generous ones” that makes an easy way for “calculative ones” to take benefit!
My suggestion: don’t be the calculative one, don’t be the generous one. Be the equal one. Be a generous one, only if all others are generous.
I will pay this time, next time you pay
This method may work sometimes when there are limited members in the group, say 2-4 people. And all of them are good and they meet regularly. But if the group members meet once in a blue moon, the turn of the next member would come rarely. Nobody remembers who paid when! Also, if this time we go to an expensive restaurant, and my friend pays for it. Next time, I pay at a restaurant that is cheap. Then my friend would be taking extra burden. Meanwhile, my burden will be less! This is the biggest reason why the settlements of the bill should be made during every event then and there.
I ate less, she ate more
There would be situation where some people calculate that one person ate more and another didn’t eat at all. Eating is as per each person’s appetite. Maybe we shouldn’t calculate too much here. We should be generous when people eat well.
However, if any group member feels that the eating is not balanced, in that case, it’s best that each person pays for their own food and food is not shared.
If the group members are too many, there are chances that all the good items do not get distributed fairly among different members of the group. Everyone should take care that the introvert or the silent members are not deprived of any items.
Expensive Items or Drinks
Alcoholic drinks are more expensive. Some people do not drink. In such a situation, it is better that the drinks are billed separately. Also, when the gathering is in a group, ensure that one person doesn’t order any highly expensive item for himself – which may increase the overall bill for all.
Group dinner or group activities work when
- When the group members have respect for each other
- When all are good hearted to be balanced
- When all are interested in really spending time with each other
- People are concerned that others also have a good time and eat well
- People are concerned that others not put to trouble with extra expenses
Are the expenses affordable for all?
It’s important to be aware that the activity or dinner planned is not beyond the budget of some or all members of the group. Also, ensure that the place we go or the activity planned is liked by all. At times, different people suggest different activities or different places. At times, this may turn out to be the point of controversy. If all members are kind hearted and also do not have the ego, group activities work well. If one or more members think – only I am right. Only my choices are best – nothing will work.
We should have the attitude to be acceptable about the choices made by others, even if it isn’t as per your taste. But if something is totally against your taste, members of the group should be given a choice to turn down the offer of getting together.
Also be aware that what is a good quality may not suit others! Because tastes are different.
If you take me to a restaurant and it turns out bad, I shouldn’t blame you for the bad food. I should squarely blame it on the restaurant. If I blame you, next time you will be averse to come with me or take me anywhere!
It is a good idea that the choice of the place goes in rotation. So this time , I would decide where we dine, next time my friend decides, the other time another person decides the place.
Inner intention:
It really depends what the inner intention of the members of the group is. If all the members are good hearted, there won’t be even 1% complications. But if one or more people have something in their mind, every minor thing will be magnified as a problem. So, it may be a good idea to check if all the members of the group are at least on the same page or if all members are calm people. If you have even one person who is short tempered or egoistic or too calculative – the group activities won’t go for long!
And then there are chaotic people who would want the plans to break down. Or the ones who want to cause problem at every step. Avoid such people.
Avoid fighting couple
Couples may have their own fights or misunderstandings. Group dinner or group activities are not the avenue for the couple to vent their drama. If there is a couple that blames each other in front of the group, better drop such couple from the plans next time!
Common menu
If the number of members are too many and you have less time. Better to allow people to make internal smaller groups of 3-4 people and make separate orders and separate billings. This will work really well for bigger groups.
If you are in a hurry during the travel, it’s better to order a thali for all together to save time. Even if you are getting eatables or snacks for the entire group, better to get the same item for all. Remember the school trips? The teachers got the same set of items for all. Nobody complained. Works best in bigger groups.
Some incident:
During family gathering, I had this habit of asking each person what they need and get the same thing as per demand. Once, during a festival gathering, some 12 people told me they are fine with vanilla ice cream. Only 3 people asked for pista flavour. When I returned with the ice creams, at least 2 of them who had asked for vanilla started demanding for pista flavour. This is highly unacceptable. Also, when they saw me having a chocolate flavour, they asked, “why not chocolate flavour for me?”
You had a choice to make when I asked you. If you didn’t ask in the beginning, better don’t ask or change your choice later! During the same day, two kids ate extra, because they are kids! This left two persons without ice creams. So I had to go and get two ice creams later.
After seeing this type of chaos, my brother suggested me one idea. The idea is- when people are too many, just don’t ask for any choice. Just get the same items for all. If samosa, get samosa for all. If it’s ice cream, get vanilla for all. Don’t ask or create any variations. This avoids a lot of confusion.
There are people who think they should get special treatment everywhere. Maybe expect special treatment from your special one or from your close people. But when in a group, be a part of the group like a common person.
Also, give the items directly to the person instead of keeping it open for all. This avoids one person from taking anything extra.
Also, I realised one thing. In my joint family of 20 plus people, it’s only the same 3-4 people who do this thankless job of getting eatables during gatherings. What about others? They won’t take the responsibility even once. But they will be happy to comment that they got 1 gram less when we distribute something. If you have such people in your group, avoid them. Best is – don’t take up the job of getting things for people. Let them do it on their own.
Sharing is good because:
- No one person gets to take more burden.
- If the bill is a big amount, it causes extra burden during a month for the less salaried person.
- If the expenses are shared, even going to a big restaurant would not cause burden to anyone.
- Be good to all. Be open. Be concerned about everyone in the group, not just your own kids.
- Be one among the group. Maybe a bit of adjustment here and there is fine. But if all others won’t adjust, you also shouldn’t adjust! 😄
To conclude: sharing is the best method. If someone really wants to get a party, it should be decided before the event and that will be voluntary and on that person offering the party.
Also, if most members in the group keep offering parties, and others do not offer, you shouldn’t be worried. You are offering a party because you like to do it for your own satisfaction or happiness. Don’t give free dinner or anything with an expectation that you would get the same thing back.
